9 to 5

I don't remember exactly how I fell into the 9 to 5 schedule. I didn't have to go to office or anything like that. I guess it just happened. I think I kept it up for two weeks. And I am glad that I did because it was very good for work. Somehow, there was a sense of purpose and the ideas (if you can call them that) came when I needed them.

Often, in the past, I had come close to keeping this schedule but this was the first time that there was a consistency in the routine. In some ways, it was very strange. Not strange bad, but not good strange either. After a few days, it slowly started taking a toll on me. In ways that are hard to describe. I felt displaced and tired, like a fish swimming against the current. Physically though, I was fine. I made it a point to go for a walk every day at 6pm. And then I'd cook myself a good meal at about 8pm. It couldn't have been sleep - I was getting exactly 8 hours of sleep. Maybe it was the solitude? Or the intensity of the project? In the end, I think it was being out of sync with everyone else. After all, not many people sleep between 9am and 5pm.

the right shoe

I've loved shoes (sneakers to be exact) ever since I was a kid. I actually don't really remember my childhood but that's what my aunt tells me. When asked what I wanted for my birthday, apparently I would shoot back - PT shoes. Not LEGO, but PT shoes. But maybe you don't know what PT shoes are. They're these light white rubber shoes with two stripes on the sides and a thin sole. Sort of like the trendy 'converse' shoes in the market these days. Unlike converse shoes, PT shoes are really cheap (yes, it wasn't a very clever present to ask for but I was ten). PT shoes are really comfortable. And they were the first shoes I really liked. When I started running much later in life, I was really excited about buying NIKE AIR. Then I progressed to ASICS.

But like life, my shoes have come full circle (actually, my life hasn't come full circle). Last month, I wanted to buy a pair of simple sneakers I could just wear casually (they say its not good to wear your running shoes when you're not running). So I went to this boutique shoe shop with my friend. And the way I often instantly like someone (or come to think of it, dislike someone instantly), I liked this one pair. My friend liked them too. They were expensive and 20 pounds more than my budget. We both looked at the shoes for a while. Then my friend said, its just one dinner. Yeah, just one dinner, I said.

I walked out of the shop wearing my brand new white sneakers. Now here's the funny thing: the left shoe was the most comfortable shoe in the world but not so the right one.

A month later, the right shoe still gives me some trouble. But it's getting better. Some days, it's almost like its neighbour (the left shoe). You might find this a bit strange, but I feel that the day I find Franny, the right shoe will fit like the left. I feel.

crazy

There are so many people in this world.

Right this moment - there is a person getting married, a person trying to climb a mountain, a person writing software code, a person hungry and looking for food, a person reviewing yet another book, a person masturbating, a person cooking alu parathas, a person violating somoene else, a person playing nintendo, a person wading through the floods in the Bay of Bengal, a person dreaming, a person watching television, a person making up an ad for Coca Cola, a person ploughing his field, a person leaving Houston in fear of Hurricane Rita, a person doing cocaine (maybe Kate Moss?), a person typing away on his laptop....

All these people.

I wonder what Franny is doing.

kind of blue

There are many kinds of sadness. Just like there are many shades of blue. As time goes by, you discover new shades of blue. And you also forget old shades - they start to fade like blue jeans. It's hard to remember what the jeans looked like when you first bought them. Time is a strange thing.

One kind of blue seems to have stayed with me forever. I don't remember exactly when I first discovered this shade of blue but once I did, it became a part of me. And then it would randomly choose to appear when it felt like it. Just like that September evening in Cambridge.

I left my apartment wearing jeans and a light fleece. There was a bite in the air. A fresh cold bite. The air was heavy with rain and the sky was grey. Summer had gone for good and autumn would soon turn to winter. I walked through the parks and felt the grass under my white sneakers. My friend Liz had just returned from India and I was going over for a drink. I walked inhaling the water in the air. Her boyfriend Tom opened the door for me and greetings were exchanged amidst much laughter - the way greetings are exchanged when you haven't seen each other for a while.

John was already there - he had his guitar with him. Liz opened a bottle of red wine. We drank wine and Liz told us stories about India. She had had a great time in India but you could
tell she was thrilled to be with Tom again. Then John started to play his guitar. Liz sat on Tom's lap and sang along. 'Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard....' I sat there listening to the chords of the guitar and Liz singing and suddenly a wave of that blue swept over me.

The old shades of blue passed by like fields in a slow moving train in India. I sipped my wine and suddenly felt very tired. I wasn't sad about anything in particular. I had the strength to carry on but I wasn't sure I even cared. For some reason, I felt very alone. There were people I could call but I didn't want to call anyone. I finished my wine and said I had to go. Liz asked me to stay longer but I told her I had to wake up early the next day.

It was dark and it had started drizzling. The cold drops stung my face. In some ways, I was glad that I was in England. I remember being blue in California. Every day, I would wake up in the morning and the bright sun would mock me. I walked back slowly looking at the tall spires and smelling the rain. Across the road, a young couple huddled under an umbrella. My mind went blank, I just walked in the rain.

It was nice to be back in my room. I dried myself and then put on some Miles Davis - 'Kind of Blue'. I poured myself a whisky over some ice cubes. Clink. I sat there drinking my whiskey and the old shades of blue passed by again. I closed my eyes and felt the sadness spread through my veins. I forgot about everything for a while, even Franny.

glass eyes

The little fish died today.

a phone call

One day, I woke up and realised that I hadn't received a phone call in a week. It wasn't that suprising since not that many people call me but I still found it odd. Then at lunch I met a friend who told me he had tried to call but that I never picked up - it just keeps ringing, he said. I figured out that day that the ringer wasn't working. I decided not to fix it. That way no one could wake me up in the morning. And I could still make calls.

About a week later, I was in bed and I heard the phone ringing. It's just a dream I told myself. In my dream, I picked up the phone but the ringing didn't stop. Finally, I realised it was the phone in my room. But the ringer doesn't work, I thought. I stumbled across the room and picked it up. It was Franny. When she heard my groggy voice she said she was sorry she had woken me up and then hung up. I couldn't call her back because I didn't know where she was.

The next few days the phone remained silent. I decided to check if the ringer was actually working. I called my sister and asked her to call me back. I looked at the phone but it just sat there, still as a dead volcano. Then I picked it up. Did it ring? my sister asked me. No, I replied. I said goodbye to my sister and looked at the phone for a long time. Then I randomly picked it up again, just in case Franny was trying to get through.

the fish

I went inside and sat down in the armchair. The fishtank glowed in the dark. The little grey fish looked at me. Over the years I had gotten used to him looking at me. I bought the fish tank when I started college. That was seven years ago. My then girlfriend thought it was a great idea to get a fish tank for my room so we went to this shop which sold all kinds of animals and bought the fish tank and four fish. Three goldfish and one small little fish. It was my idea to get the little fish. I don't know what exactly possessed me to get him. I didn't even know what breed he was. I still don't know actually. He was very average. Small and grey with a red tail. And he had these eyes which made it look like he was worried that if he stopped swimming he would die. So he kept swimming and looking around.

She gave them all names but I've long since forgotten them. In any event, the goldfish all died the first month (we overfed the fish). But the little fish survived. We got some more fish. My girlfriend dumped me. More fish died and I replaced them. I finished college and moved cities. I took the fish tank with me. In the seven years that I've had the fish tank, so many fish have died that I've lost count. But that small little fish is still around. And he still has that worried look in his eyes which says he had better keep swimming.